Not too personal at all.
Okay, my experience was slightly altered by the fact that I’m pansexual, with a preference to date men.
When I was around, 13 and I’d started dating I knew something felt off but I didn’t know what. I knew I wanted to dress tomboyish and I wore tons of layers, but everything I did seemed to be covered in layers of “femininity”.
I’d always been a big fan of hanging with the girls in my class, so that wasn’t odd, but I also spend a good part of my time with the guys, throwing around a soccer ball and getting muddy.
It wasn’t until my Freshman year of high school that I realized what I was. I met a guy at our school’s GSA who was also trans and he kinda, I dunno, opened up this whole new world for me. It kind of struck me at that moment that that’s what I was. Like, I didn’t want to be a girl. Heck no, I’d never been a girl. That there was a reason I preferred to wear boy clothes and that I role-played a guy in stories.
Unfortunately, that didn’t go so well in my mind after some time. I was lost. I was like “but wait, you like dudes….you can’t be a guy and like guys” even though I knew being gay was normal, I didn’t think it was normal when it came to trans guys. I just assumed all trans men had to be straight and very masculine.
Boy was I wrong. I went on YouTube and started looking up trans videos, first of the transformation, then of the people’s day to day activities. Soon, I realized that I could be pansexual, that I could like guys, and the world wasn’t going to end.
From that point on I decided to be myself. I started coming out and while some people were confused, I was lucky to have a good support system. I had friends who loved me, my (at the time) boyfriend, and all that.
It’s been a struggle some days, dealing with dysphoria, depression and other shit, but I’ve been okay at the end.
If you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask me. And if you’d like to private message, you can always contact me on FB or something. It’s all on my “where to find me” page.
So, over this summer I stopped going to church after an attempt at going because I wanted to regain my religious aspects. Why? Because as a Catholic, I expected to go to mass and receive communion (bread and wine) and when I publicly came out as trans and bisexual, I was not allowed to receive it anymore.
This week, my friend Stan invited me to go to church with him. I am so thankful to God that he was placed in my path because it was so much fun. It’s a non-denominational church but it was super fun and the friends he introduced me to were also great. I felt a little odd at first (because I’m barely gonna turn 20) and they’re all in their older 20’s but they were astoundligly friendly.
So yeah, I’m back in church and it’s in the back of a bar…I kid you not.
If you’re in NY and you want to stop by, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
Here’s the link to their website: http://barstooltabernacle.com/
So for a while I’ve been debating where I want to live post college. For some time, I wanted to do Seattle or San Diego
(mostly for reasons of appeasing to someone else’s taste) but you know, with it being like over 100 degrees in LA and San Diego being so close, I don’t think that’ll happen.
So that leaves Seattle but unless I want to do “newspaper” kinda news, I don’t know if that’ll be my choice.
Which leave me thinking….I have the whole world practically available. I may stay in New York for some years because it is a great city but I dunno, maybe I’ll follow my childhood dream of leaving everything behind for more than just a semester at a time and being more than a three hour flight away and just say “Fuck it!” and go to Europe.
Maybe England, maybe Spain (though theyr’e a bit homophobic), maybe France. Or I’ll go with Germany. I’ve always thought it was great and well, I am learning the language.
I have a few years to figure it out.